I've been doing a few things lately to try and work on my self confidence. I'm trying to relearn what makes me feel good about myself. Its a work in progress for sure! I am far from perfect at it, but I know its a step I really need to work on for Intuitive Eating to work for me.
So, here are some moments that make me feel good about myself:
1) When I'm teaching a swim lesson and the kid I'm working with turns a corner and realizes that they love to swim and that they CAN do it!
2) When I'm sitting at a piano spending some good quality time practicing, using my brain and my fingers, and especially when I conquer a difficult section.
3) When I'm singing. I love when I can sing out loud and strong, when I can feel the emotion of a song, or when I can sing a song with my kids, and put a smile on their faces.
4) When I finish a good book.
5) When I host a successful party, when I am surrounded by happy people who are glad to be there. (Let's not talk about hosting a flop party, that tears me up inside a little)
6) When I find a hobby that interests me and gives me something to do that is mine, something for me. Right now I'm throwing myself back into Photography. I've always found photography interesting and fascinating. I love learning how the camera works, and capturing moments in time. I took a class in high school, and I've taken a few workshops here and there, but this time i'm determined to get it figured out, at least enough to feel confident taking pictures of my kids. Ryan got me a new camera and a couple lenses for Mother's Day. I took a week long class this past week, i'm taking a lighting workshop tomorrow, and I'm signed up for a 6-week photography course starting in July. I'm really hoping this will be one that sticks with me and gives me that confidence behind the camera i've been hoping for. I actually really want to take a 4 month course I found that would make me an actual certified professional photographer. I'm not sure i'd ever want a full time business doing it, but I would love to be able to confidently take pictures if people ask me to! Its an expensive class, but if this shorter course goes well, I think I'm going to save up for me. I think doing that would be very good for me.
7) When I finish a hard workout, especially a long bike ride, or a tough climb, or a run.
8) When I have good mom moments. When the kids and I are happy and smiling. When we are interacting and I can see their love for me, and I can feel my heart bursting with love for them.
There are a lot of moments when I'm happy, when I'm good with the way my life is going and I'm happy. And usually those moments don't have anything to do with my body. I let my worries about my body take over and steal the joy from those moments too often. Thats so wrong! So what if I have a belly roll when I'm sitting at the piano, that doesn't change my talent. So what if I'm not wearing size 4 skinny jeans while i'm taking a photo or playing with my kids? I need to focus more on the happy moments, on my talents, on what I want out of life, and less on what I see in the mirror, and what the number says on the scale or my clothes. Those things should not control my happiness, when so many more important things can do that.
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
The Scale
(I wrote this blog a week ago, but felt like it was too jumbled and whiny to post, I got over it...so here it is.)
This morning, despite my better judgement, I stepped on my bathroom scale. Ever since I accidentally saw my weight a few weeks ago at a doctors appointment, its been haunting me. The number I saw at the doctors office was not a number I ever wanted to see again. It was the highest weight I can ever remember being (except when pregnant) after I had Kate. After I hit rock bottom seeing that number back then, I managed to lose 30 pounds, get my health back on track, and I got active. I mostly kept the weight off, with some fluctuation for several years, and then I got my Tummy Tuck, I started working with my trainer, I lost a lot of body fat, and I felt amazing in my skin, for the first time I could remember. Then over the last 18 months, the weight crept back on. It started when we moved and our routine was disrupted, and then it was the holidays, and then we had lost all of our good habits. I grew to resent my body for doing this to me, I grew to resent exercise because it wasn't putting my body back where I wanted it, I threw in the towel on a lot of things out of frustration. And I let the weight come back, I rarely went in the other direction for more than a few days. It has been a hard, frustrating, torturous time watching those numbers creep up. I felt like nothing I did changed anything, and usually that led to binging on crap, which made things worse.
I hit rock bottom, and that's when I found Intuitive Eating. It is most certainly a process. One that I have far from mastered. Some days I feel like all i've done is eat more crap and tell myself its ok, which it is! But its hard not to beat myself up some days. Like today, when I stepped back on the scale. It wasn't as bad as it had been. But its been in my head all day.
The good news? I'm still in smaller clothes than I was last time I weighed this much, that means I have more muscle. I'm more fit. Although I'm not where I want to be, it could be worse! I've been extremely active the past few weeks, teaching swim lessons, swimming laps, going on walks, working out when I can. We've had more family dinners in the past few weeks than we've had in ages, and we all eat better when we do that. We've had lots of good discussions with the kids about food, and about being kind to their bodies, and listening to what their bodies need. I hope I am being a better example to the kids on how to live life.
Its progress, not perfection, and that's all I can hope for right now.
This morning, despite my better judgement, I stepped on my bathroom scale. Ever since I accidentally saw my weight a few weeks ago at a doctors appointment, its been haunting me. The number I saw at the doctors office was not a number I ever wanted to see again. It was the highest weight I can ever remember being (except when pregnant) after I had Kate. After I hit rock bottom seeing that number back then, I managed to lose 30 pounds, get my health back on track, and I got active. I mostly kept the weight off, with some fluctuation for several years, and then I got my Tummy Tuck, I started working with my trainer, I lost a lot of body fat, and I felt amazing in my skin, for the first time I could remember. Then over the last 18 months, the weight crept back on. It started when we moved and our routine was disrupted, and then it was the holidays, and then we had lost all of our good habits. I grew to resent my body for doing this to me, I grew to resent exercise because it wasn't putting my body back where I wanted it, I threw in the towel on a lot of things out of frustration. And I let the weight come back, I rarely went in the other direction for more than a few days. It has been a hard, frustrating, torturous time watching those numbers creep up. I felt like nothing I did changed anything, and usually that led to binging on crap, which made things worse.
I hit rock bottom, and that's when I found Intuitive Eating. It is most certainly a process. One that I have far from mastered. Some days I feel like all i've done is eat more crap and tell myself its ok, which it is! But its hard not to beat myself up some days. Like today, when I stepped back on the scale. It wasn't as bad as it had been. But its been in my head all day.
The good news? I'm still in smaller clothes than I was last time I weighed this much, that means I have more muscle. I'm more fit. Although I'm not where I want to be, it could be worse! I've been extremely active the past few weeks, teaching swim lessons, swimming laps, going on walks, working out when I can. We've had more family dinners in the past few weeks than we've had in ages, and we all eat better when we do that. We've had lots of good discussions with the kids about food, and about being kind to their bodies, and listening to what their bodies need. I hope I am being a better example to the kids on how to live life.
Its progress, not perfection, and that's all I can hope for right now.
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