The Scale

(I wrote this blog a week ago, but felt like it was too jumbled and whiny to post, I got over it...so here it is.)

This morning, despite my better judgement, I stepped on my bathroom scale. Ever since I accidentally saw my weight a few weeks ago at a doctors appointment, its been haunting me. The number I saw at the doctors office was not a number I ever wanted to see again. It was the highest weight I can ever remember being (except when pregnant) after I had Kate. After I hit rock bottom seeing that number back then, I managed to lose 30 pounds, get my health back on track, and I got active. I mostly kept the weight off, with some fluctuation for several years, and then I got my Tummy Tuck, I started working with my trainer, I lost a lot of body fat, and I felt amazing in my skin, for the first time I could remember. Then over the last 18 months, the weight crept back on. It started when we moved and our routine was disrupted, and then it was the holidays, and then we had lost all of our good habits. I grew to resent my body for doing this to me, I grew to resent exercise because it wasn't putting my body back where I wanted it, I threw in the towel on a lot of things out of frustration. And I let the weight come back, I rarely went in the other direction for more than a few days. It has been a hard, frustrating, torturous time watching those numbers creep up. I felt like nothing I did changed anything, and usually that led to binging on crap, which made things worse.

I hit rock bottom, and that's when I found Intuitive Eating. It is most certainly a process. One that I have far from mastered. Some days I feel like all i've done is eat more crap and tell myself its ok, which it is! But its hard not to beat myself up some days. Like today, when I stepped back on the scale. It wasn't as bad as it had been. But its been in my head all day.

The good news? I'm still in smaller clothes than I was last time I weighed this much, that means I have more muscle. I'm more fit. Although I'm not where I want to be, it could be worse! I've been extremely active the past few weeks, teaching swim lessons, swimming laps, going on walks, working out when I can.  We've had more family dinners in the past few weeks than we've had in ages, and we all eat better when we do that. We've had lots of good discussions with the kids about food, and about being kind to their bodies, and listening to what their bodies need. I hope I am being a better example to the kids on how to live life.

Its progress, not perfection, and that's all I can hope for right now.