Positive Self Image

One of the big aspect of Intuitive Eating that i've been working on is have a more positive attitude toward myself and my body. That is no easy task! With the way society raises us to think of our bodies as imperfect and something we need to fix, its hard to just let your body be, and be positive toward it, no matter what state its currently in.

Somedays I do better than others, some days I can remember what an amazing thing my body is. The fact that is can move, and exercise, and the fact that it has carried me thousands of miles on a bike. The fact that it has birthed 3 children, and healed from 3 c-sections, and numerous other surgeries. Even just the basic fact that my body was created in the image of God, that's pretty astounding. Just having a body, let alone a healthy active one, should be considered one of our greatest gifts! And some days I do really well to remember that. Some days I can look in the mirror and be proud of my body and accept it as it is.

Other days, not so much. Some days all I see is that my face is too round, my arms too jiggly, my belly to bumpy, and my thighs touch too much, and I have cellulite, and my clothes are too tight, or the ones that fit are a size I don't want to be. Some days I can hardly stand to look in the mirror and feel like crying or hitting something when I do.

Its all part of this journey, and I'm working on being able to reframe those negative thoughts when they come. I still always have those thoughts in the back of my mind, that say someday I'll be smaller again, and someday I'll feel confident in my body again. And I hope those things are true, but I'm working on loving myself as I am. As hard as that is some days, i'm really learning how important of a step that is.

So, some of the things I'm doing to help me with my self image through this process...I went and bought some new clothes. I tried to ignore sizes as much as I could, and just picked some cute comfortable things that I could wear without judging myself. I've probably lived 90% of the past few months is sweats and oversized t-shirts so I didn't have to squeeze into my too small clothes. I'm the first to admit that I love comfy clothes and would live in pajamas if I could, but constantly wearing baggy, ill-fitting, lazy looking clothes didn't do a lick of good for my self-esteem. I still wear a lot of workout clothes and comfy stuff, but I like getting dressed in real clothes that I can feel good about, so I needed to make sure I had some on hand.

I'm trying to do my hair more often (although it is very tricky when I work in a swimming pool three days a week...my hair is always wet!), and although I'm not a big make-up wearer, putting on a little now and then does a lot for how I feel. I'm also trying to take a little more time to work on myself and do those little personal things that make me feel so much better, like pedicures, and getting my eye brows waxed, and having a hair appointment now and then, and even a massage when I can. I've let a few of those things go for a while and I can tell they have an affect on me! I'm getting my eyebrows and toes done this week, I will figure out a time! I know it will make a world of difference for me. Just those little things.

I made a big grocery list with lots of meal options the other day and did all the shopping yesterday. Its so much easier to meal plan when I am thinking of foods that I like to eat, and that I like to cook, and not worrying so much about how those meals will affect my "diet". I really feel like I spent a lot of time over the last year trying to make healthy meals that would be perfect food, but then I was never satisfied, I would spend the rest of the day sulking wishing for the foods I actually wanted, and usually giving in and eating them anyway, totally destroying in good affect those "perfect" meals had. So, now I'm just going to make food. Homemade, good tasting, balanced food. And I'm going to sit down with my family more and let my kids watch me eat the foods we love, and talk and smile while we do it. I think those sorts of moments do a lot of good for my self esteem too. I like when I cook a successful meal that the family enjoys, it makes me feel good.

So, its all baby steps, but i'm taking them...One step at a time I will get where I need to be.

Hi, My name is Diane and I'm a diet-a-holic

I've been doing pretty good with this intuitive eating thing. I'm certainly far from perfect, but I'm making progress. I had a phone call with my Nutrition Counselor again this week and she was impressed with my progress. I have this habit of trying to conquer everything at once, even when it is super overwhelming, and then being frustrated when I fail to conquer it all. That's one of the reasons I wanted to talk with my Nutrition Counselor again. I wanted to have her help me find some focus because I was trying to do it all at once and I was worried I was going to fall flat on my face again and be frustrated. She talked through what i've been doing and some good areas to focus on, and I felt pretty good about where I am at, and came away with some specific things to work on. Feeling empowered I went on with my day, had a nice treat in the evening, felt no guilt and went to bed with a smile.

The very next day I wake up to a message in my Facebook mailbox from a friend who recently started doing health coaching for one of the many food companies out there with a diet/meal replacement/meal plan. I've worked for several of these companies, and enjoyed all of them, and I'm glad she has found one she loves and is working for her. But it seriously felt like someone was handing a drink to an alcoholic. (I do not mean to make light of anything, but that really is how I feel about diets. I am addicted to them, they take over my brain and I'm always looking for the next great diet plan to help me reach my goal weight). I came home and told Ryan I felt like I needed a AA sponsor, but for diets. I've been thinking about my friends note for two days now. She's lost 12 pounds on it, and said the average is 10 pounds a month, and how amazing it is. UGH. I can feel it pulling me. Man, would I love to drop a quick 10 pounds. But I know how diets work for me, or don't work I should say. I sometimes lose the first couple of weeks, but then I fall apart and gain it back and hate myself. I've spend SO MUCH money trying all of those diets out there.

I tried to find something new to throw my focus towards, I've been enjoying exercise, and I've really enjoyed trying to find what it is I really enjoy doing! I have my family triathlon coming up in a couple months so I decided to find a training plan and get myself out there training. I ran a couple miles yesterday, and got out on my bike for the first time this Spring. It was nice being out in the sunshine and just moving my body. I tried not to think about how many calories I was burning, or how fast I was going, just tried to enjoy it (Although I did use my watch and track my distance and time, because I obsess over keeping track of all my miles :) ). Those mean comments to myself still popped into my head now and then. It was hard to avoid noticing how much harder running and riding is carrying the extra pounds around, but I did it. I ended the workouts with a smile on my face. I ate when I was hungry and tried to acknowledge what my body was telling me it needed.

This is a process. There is no doubt about the fact that it will take time for me to figure this all out. For my body to trust me, and for me to trust my body, and for my body to find its natural weight. I will figure out how to eat, and how to not always wonder about that diet, or that supplement, or how not to stand in front of the mirror and notice every flaw. My body is strong, my mind is strong. I can do this. One step at a time.

My New Start

For the last few months I've really been struggling, as is probably obvious from my previous posts, and from the lack of them. I was hating myself, hating that i'd let myself gain weight, hating that my fitness level has gone down and I wasn't enjoying the things I used to. My wonderful trainer and I talked a lot and tried some new things here and there, but mentally I was just really struggling. She told me once in a text conversation that I should think about talking to someone, a doctor or someone who could help me get to the bottom of my issues. I was taken aback at first, I wasn't sure what to think, I didn't think I was THAT bad. But the more time went on, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized she was right. Ryan has also been struggling and asked me to do some research into different Dietitians and the like that could maybe help us from the rut we were in. During that research process I found several Dietitians that focused on what they call "Intuitive Eating" and nutrition counseling. I spoke on the phone with one of them and she really seemed to understand and know how to deal with the issues that Ryan and I both deal with. We made an appointment and I sat in her office and bawled my eyes out while I talked about everything I've been dealing with. She gave me some pointers to get started and I read the book that her philosophy was based on. The book felt like it was written for me. A chronic dieter with body issues, food issues, no trust in myself. The process to learn Intuitive Eating, and learn to trust myself again is going to take time, probably a lot of time. I have to put weight loss on the back burner and work through the steps, and try to be kind to myself. Already though i've found the process to be very freeing. No food is forbidden. There is no room for guilt. I'm supposed to eat and pay attention to how I feel, pay attention to my levels of hunger and fullness, and move my body the way and when I want to. I'm supposed to let my body teach me what it needs, trust it again. I'm really looking forward to the process. It certainly won't always be easy though, I know that. We went on vacation last week and I let myself eat whatever, whenever, and it felt freeing, but I know I put on a few pounds, and it was hard to feel myself going up from where I was already unhappy, and I certainly had the thought to diet off the extra weight when we got home, but I pushed it aside and just went on with life. I've been exercising quite a bit, but only when I feel like it, and i've been eating what I want, just trying to pay more attention to when I'm full, and eat less distracted. I also stopped following quite a few accounts on Instagram and Facebook that always made me feel like I was failing at being strong and fit. Even after doing that though there are plenty of times that articles or comments pop up on my feed that trigger me, but I'm working through it. I called my new therapist as soon as we got home from vacation and we are having another session soon to work through what the next steps are for me to take, and how to deal with those trigger moments.

I decided to be open about these struggles and post this today:

Recently I've been going through a lot, emotionally. I was in a pretty lousy place, hating myself, hating my body, heading quickly to an eating disorder. The fitness industry is hard on us, they show you photoshopped ideal bodies and tell you to work harder, to want it more, to eat less, to eat perfectly. They put in front of you an ideal that can't be reached by most of us, and it can really get to a person! I got to my rock bottom and realized something had to change. I needed to cut off some of my triggers. I needed to learn to love my body for what it can do, not what it looks like. I needed to learn to trust myself with food, and learn to enjoy food and my life again. I found a therapist to talk to about my body and food issues, and I took all the pressure off of myself. I've learned a lot about myself through the process. I like junk food, but I also like healthy balanced food and sometimes I want it more than junk. I like exercise, even when I don't have a plan and a schedule and a specific fitness goal, I like how it feels to move my body, I like the time alone to work and sweat. I like long walks in the sunshine, and heavy lifting sweat sessions, and leisurely bike rides. I still want to do races and rides, but just for me, not to win or to make my body something it's not. And some days, I don't want to exercise, and that's ok. I have a long way to go still, but I'm happy with the direction this is taking me.

The comments I have gotten have been overwhelmingly positive and sweet. So many said that they have been inspired by me, and so many said that they have felt the same way as me and they are grateful to hear that there is hope and another way to deal with these issues. I'm glad I chose to be open. And I'm glad i've found a new start, a different start. So here is to new beginnings again...