For the last few months I've really been struggling, as is probably obvious from my previous posts, and from the lack of them. I was hating myself, hating that i'd let myself gain weight, hating that my fitness level has gone down and I wasn't enjoying the things I used to. My wonderful trainer and I talked a lot and tried some new things here and there, but mentally I was just really struggling. She told me once in a text conversation that I should think about talking to someone, a doctor or someone who could help me get to the bottom of my issues. I was taken aback at first, I wasn't sure what to think, I didn't think I was THAT bad. But the more time went on, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized she was right. Ryan has also been struggling and asked me to do some research into different Dietitians and the like that could maybe help us from the rut we were in. During that research process I found several Dietitians that focused on what they call "Intuitive Eating" and nutrition counseling. I spoke on the phone with one of them and she really seemed to understand and know how to deal with the issues that Ryan and I both deal with. We made an appointment and I sat in her office and bawled my eyes out while I talked about everything I've been dealing with. She gave me some pointers to get started and I read the book that her philosophy was based on. The book felt like it was written for me. A chronic dieter with body issues, food issues, no trust in myself. The process to learn Intuitive Eating, and learn to trust myself again is going to take time, probably a lot of time. I have to put weight loss on the back burner and work through the steps, and try to be kind to myself. Already though i've found the process to be very freeing. No food is forbidden. There is no room for guilt. I'm supposed to eat and pay attention to how I feel, pay attention to my levels of hunger and fullness, and move my body the way and when I want to. I'm supposed to let my body teach me what it needs, trust it again. I'm really looking forward to the process. It certainly won't always be easy though, I know that. We went on vacation last week and I let myself eat whatever, whenever, and it felt freeing, but I know I put on a few pounds, and it was hard to feel myself going up from where I was already unhappy, and I certainly had the thought to diet off the extra weight when we got home, but I pushed it aside and just went on with life. I've been exercising quite a bit, but only when I feel like it, and i've been eating what I want, just trying to pay more attention to when I'm full, and eat less distracted. I also stopped following quite a few accounts on Instagram and Facebook that always made me feel like I was failing at being strong and fit. Even after doing that though there are plenty of times that articles or comments pop up on my feed that trigger me, but I'm working through it. I called my new therapist as soon as we got home from vacation and we are having another session soon to work through what the next steps are for me to take, and how to deal with those trigger moments.
I decided to be open about these struggles and post this today:
Recently I've been going through a lot, emotionally. I was in a pretty lousy place, hating myself, hating my body, heading quickly to an eating disorder. The fitness industry is hard on us, they show you photoshopped ideal bodies and tell you to work harder, to want it more, to eat less, to eat perfectly. They put in front of you an ideal that can't be reached by most of us, and it can really get to a person! I got to my rock bottom and realized something had to change. I needed to cut off some of my triggers. I needed to learn to love my body for what it can do, not what it looks like. I needed to learn to trust myself with food, and learn to enjoy food and my life again. I found a therapist to talk to about my body and food issues, and I took all the pressure off of myself. I've learned a lot about myself through the process. I like junk food, but I also like healthy balanced food and sometimes I want it more than junk. I like exercise, even when I don't have a plan and a schedule and a specific fitness goal, I like how it feels to move my body, I like the time alone to work and sweat. I like long walks in the sunshine, and heavy lifting sweat sessions, and leisurely bike rides. I still want to do races and rides, but just for me, not to win or to make my body something it's not. And some days, I don't want to exercise, and that's ok. I have a long way to go still, but I'm happy with the direction this is taking me.
The comments I have gotten have been overwhelmingly positive and sweet. So many said that they have been inspired by me, and so many said that they have felt the same way as me and they are grateful to hear that there is hope and another way to deal with these issues. I'm glad I chose to be open. And I'm glad i've found a new start, a different start. So here is to new beginnings again...
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