The Ups and Downs

Do you ever have one of those days where you just can't wake up. You just can't get moving. You can't feel motivated to do anything? That is me today. UGH. I've been struggling with energy lately. I think its mostly because I feel like i've been burning the candle at both ends. I've been teaching lessons at LifeTime, teaching 18 students at home, and its summer time and we have a million things going on! We are staying up later and being much more social than usual, which is all awesome! But man, am I exhausted!

I haven't been doing very well with my intuitive eating lifestyle. Well, I guess i've been doing better on some things, I've been trying to do things that make me happy, i've been trying to stop feeling deprived in all areas of my life, I've been trying to replace the negative thoughts and comments in my head when they pop in. I am far from perfect, but I'm definitely working on those things which I know are an integral part of my healing process and learning intuitive eating. I guess I just feel like i'm still in the phase of allowing myself whatever sounds good, which is great, except I know its not great for my health, and its probably why I've been feeling like I'm dragging. Its also allowed me to be more lazy and avoid meal planning and cooking for my family, which i kind of hate, and especially hate when its hot and i'm busy and tired. But I know that eating out is a huge part of our problem. I'm never going to be able to find balance in my eating and life if I'm trying to survive on junk food. And its really not a good example to my kids. When  i do cook we've been having great family meals, and I love that, and I want that more for my kids. I want them to have those kinds of memories and those moments of good examples from me and Ryan.

I've also been so busy that i've let my exercise really slide by the way side. I'm just dragging by the time I finish my lessons and wrangle the kids. Bad excuses. I know that exercise makes me feel better, not just physically, but emotionally too. So I really need to figure out how to fit it all in. Luckily, I just finished my last week at LifeTime. I really enjoyed working there, I liked having co-workers to chat with, and students and parents who appreciated me, but I just got to the point where I realized it was making my life unnecessarily busy. I was gone too much, and too tired by the time I got done with my time there to have good energy for my students at home. So it was time to leave. I was sad to say goodbye, but maybe now i'll actually have time to exercise there again!

Ryan and I both feel like we are still sitting at rock bottom trying to find a way to claw ourselves back up, but I'm hoping we can take some baby steps to get us there.  For now we are focusing on making sure we are drinking enough water, moving our bodies more (setting realistic step goals), and eating out less. Those are definitely things we can do without starting back into Diet mentality and making ourselves crazy again, so its a step in the right direction. But so far I'm stinking at that today, very little water, and I've basically been sitting in my bed since I finished teaching this morning. So much for getting my steps in! I'm going to try and do something after dinner, which I am going to cook, and i'm going to drink some water while I make dinner! :)  One moment at a time I will figure this out...

My Self Confidence

I've been doing a few things lately to try and work on my self confidence. I'm trying to relearn what makes me feel good about myself.  Its a work in progress for sure! I am far from perfect at it, but I know its a step I really need to work on for Intuitive Eating to work for me.

So, here are some moments that make me feel good about myself:

1) When I'm teaching a swim lesson and the kid I'm working with turns a corner and realizes that they love to swim and that they CAN do it!

2) When I'm sitting at a piano spending some good quality time practicing, using my brain and my fingers, and especially when I conquer a difficult section.

3) When I'm singing. I love when I can sing out loud and strong, when I can feel the emotion of a song, or when I can sing a song with my kids, and put a smile on their faces.

4) When I finish a good book.

5) When I host a successful party, when I am surrounded by happy people who are glad to be there. (Let's not talk about hosting a flop party, that tears me up inside a little)

6) When I find a hobby that interests me and gives me something to do that is mine, something for me. Right now I'm throwing myself back into Photography. I've always found photography interesting and fascinating. I love learning how the camera works, and capturing moments in time. I took a class in high school, and I've taken a few workshops here and there, but this time i'm determined to get it figured out, at least enough to feel confident taking pictures of my kids. Ryan got me a new camera and a couple lenses for Mother's Day. I took a week long class this past week, i'm taking a lighting workshop tomorrow, and I'm signed up for a 6-week photography course starting in July. I'm really hoping this will be one that sticks with me and gives me that confidence behind the camera i've been hoping for. I actually really want to take a 4 month course I found that would make me an actual certified professional photographer. I'm not sure i'd ever want a full time business doing it, but I would love to be able to confidently take pictures if people ask me to! Its an expensive class, but if this shorter course goes well, I think I'm going to save up for me. I think doing that would be very good for me.

7) When I finish a hard workout, especially a long bike ride, or a tough climb, or a run.

8) When I have good mom moments. When the kids and I are happy and smiling. When we are interacting and I can see their love for me, and I can feel my heart bursting with love for them.

There are a lot of moments when I'm happy, when I'm good with the way my life is going and I'm happy. And usually those moments don't have anything to do with my body. I let my worries about my body take over and steal the joy from those moments too often. Thats so wrong! So what if I have a belly roll when I'm sitting at the piano, that doesn't change my talent. So what if I'm not wearing size 4 skinny jeans while i'm taking a photo or playing with my kids? I need to focus more on the happy moments, on my talents, on what I want out of life, and less on what I see in the mirror, and what the number says on the scale or my clothes. Those things should not control my happiness, when so many more important things can do that.

The Scale

(I wrote this blog a week ago, but felt like it was too jumbled and whiny to post, I got over it...so here it is.)

This morning, despite my better judgement, I stepped on my bathroom scale. Ever since I accidentally saw my weight a few weeks ago at a doctors appointment, its been haunting me. The number I saw at the doctors office was not a number I ever wanted to see again. It was the highest weight I can ever remember being (except when pregnant) after I had Kate. After I hit rock bottom seeing that number back then, I managed to lose 30 pounds, get my health back on track, and I got active. I mostly kept the weight off, with some fluctuation for several years, and then I got my Tummy Tuck, I started working with my trainer, I lost a lot of body fat, and I felt amazing in my skin, for the first time I could remember. Then over the last 18 months, the weight crept back on. It started when we moved and our routine was disrupted, and then it was the holidays, and then we had lost all of our good habits. I grew to resent my body for doing this to me, I grew to resent exercise because it wasn't putting my body back where I wanted it, I threw in the towel on a lot of things out of frustration. And I let the weight come back, I rarely went in the other direction for more than a few days. It has been a hard, frustrating, torturous time watching those numbers creep up. I felt like nothing I did changed anything, and usually that led to binging on crap, which made things worse.

I hit rock bottom, and that's when I found Intuitive Eating. It is most certainly a process. One that I have far from mastered. Some days I feel like all i've done is eat more crap and tell myself its ok, which it is! But its hard not to beat myself up some days. Like today, when I stepped back on the scale. It wasn't as bad as it had been. But its been in my head all day.

The good news? I'm still in smaller clothes than I was last time I weighed this much, that means I have more muscle. I'm more fit. Although I'm not where I want to be, it could be worse! I've been extremely active the past few weeks, teaching swim lessons, swimming laps, going on walks, working out when I can.  We've had more family dinners in the past few weeks than we've had in ages, and we all eat better when we do that. We've had lots of good discussions with the kids about food, and about being kind to their bodies, and listening to what their bodies need. I hope I am being a better example to the kids on how to live life.

Its progress, not perfection, and that's all I can hope for right now.

Positive Self Image

One of the big aspect of Intuitive Eating that i've been working on is have a more positive attitude toward myself and my body. That is no easy task! With the way society raises us to think of our bodies as imperfect and something we need to fix, its hard to just let your body be, and be positive toward it, no matter what state its currently in.

Somedays I do better than others, some days I can remember what an amazing thing my body is. The fact that is can move, and exercise, and the fact that it has carried me thousands of miles on a bike. The fact that it has birthed 3 children, and healed from 3 c-sections, and numerous other surgeries. Even just the basic fact that my body was created in the image of God, that's pretty astounding. Just having a body, let alone a healthy active one, should be considered one of our greatest gifts! And some days I do really well to remember that. Some days I can look in the mirror and be proud of my body and accept it as it is.

Other days, not so much. Some days all I see is that my face is too round, my arms too jiggly, my belly to bumpy, and my thighs touch too much, and I have cellulite, and my clothes are too tight, or the ones that fit are a size I don't want to be. Some days I can hardly stand to look in the mirror and feel like crying or hitting something when I do.

Its all part of this journey, and I'm working on being able to reframe those negative thoughts when they come. I still always have those thoughts in the back of my mind, that say someday I'll be smaller again, and someday I'll feel confident in my body again. And I hope those things are true, but I'm working on loving myself as I am. As hard as that is some days, i'm really learning how important of a step that is.

So, some of the things I'm doing to help me with my self image through this process...I went and bought some new clothes. I tried to ignore sizes as much as I could, and just picked some cute comfortable things that I could wear without judging myself. I've probably lived 90% of the past few months is sweats and oversized t-shirts so I didn't have to squeeze into my too small clothes. I'm the first to admit that I love comfy clothes and would live in pajamas if I could, but constantly wearing baggy, ill-fitting, lazy looking clothes didn't do a lick of good for my self-esteem. I still wear a lot of workout clothes and comfy stuff, but I like getting dressed in real clothes that I can feel good about, so I needed to make sure I had some on hand.

I'm trying to do my hair more often (although it is very tricky when I work in a swimming pool three days a week...my hair is always wet!), and although I'm not a big make-up wearer, putting on a little now and then does a lot for how I feel. I'm also trying to take a little more time to work on myself and do those little personal things that make me feel so much better, like pedicures, and getting my eye brows waxed, and having a hair appointment now and then, and even a massage when I can. I've let a few of those things go for a while and I can tell they have an affect on me! I'm getting my eyebrows and toes done this week, I will figure out a time! I know it will make a world of difference for me. Just those little things.

I made a big grocery list with lots of meal options the other day and did all the shopping yesterday. Its so much easier to meal plan when I am thinking of foods that I like to eat, and that I like to cook, and not worrying so much about how those meals will affect my "diet". I really feel like I spent a lot of time over the last year trying to make healthy meals that would be perfect food, but then I was never satisfied, I would spend the rest of the day sulking wishing for the foods I actually wanted, and usually giving in and eating them anyway, totally destroying in good affect those "perfect" meals had. So, now I'm just going to make food. Homemade, good tasting, balanced food. And I'm going to sit down with my family more and let my kids watch me eat the foods we love, and talk and smile while we do it. I think those sorts of moments do a lot of good for my self esteem too. I like when I cook a successful meal that the family enjoys, it makes me feel good.

So, its all baby steps, but i'm taking them...One step at a time I will get where I need to be.

Hi, My name is Diane and I'm a diet-a-holic

I've been doing pretty good with this intuitive eating thing. I'm certainly far from perfect, but I'm making progress. I had a phone call with my Nutrition Counselor again this week and she was impressed with my progress. I have this habit of trying to conquer everything at once, even when it is super overwhelming, and then being frustrated when I fail to conquer it all. That's one of the reasons I wanted to talk with my Nutrition Counselor again. I wanted to have her help me find some focus because I was trying to do it all at once and I was worried I was going to fall flat on my face again and be frustrated. She talked through what i've been doing and some good areas to focus on, and I felt pretty good about where I am at, and came away with some specific things to work on. Feeling empowered I went on with my day, had a nice treat in the evening, felt no guilt and went to bed with a smile.

The very next day I wake up to a message in my Facebook mailbox from a friend who recently started doing health coaching for one of the many food companies out there with a diet/meal replacement/meal plan. I've worked for several of these companies, and enjoyed all of them, and I'm glad she has found one she loves and is working for her. But it seriously felt like someone was handing a drink to an alcoholic. (I do not mean to make light of anything, but that really is how I feel about diets. I am addicted to them, they take over my brain and I'm always looking for the next great diet plan to help me reach my goal weight). I came home and told Ryan I felt like I needed a AA sponsor, but for diets. I've been thinking about my friends note for two days now. She's lost 12 pounds on it, and said the average is 10 pounds a month, and how amazing it is. UGH. I can feel it pulling me. Man, would I love to drop a quick 10 pounds. But I know how diets work for me, or don't work I should say. I sometimes lose the first couple of weeks, but then I fall apart and gain it back and hate myself. I've spend SO MUCH money trying all of those diets out there.

I tried to find something new to throw my focus towards, I've been enjoying exercise, and I've really enjoyed trying to find what it is I really enjoy doing! I have my family triathlon coming up in a couple months so I decided to find a training plan and get myself out there training. I ran a couple miles yesterday, and got out on my bike for the first time this Spring. It was nice being out in the sunshine and just moving my body. I tried not to think about how many calories I was burning, or how fast I was going, just tried to enjoy it (Although I did use my watch and track my distance and time, because I obsess over keeping track of all my miles :) ). Those mean comments to myself still popped into my head now and then. It was hard to avoid noticing how much harder running and riding is carrying the extra pounds around, but I did it. I ended the workouts with a smile on my face. I ate when I was hungry and tried to acknowledge what my body was telling me it needed.

This is a process. There is no doubt about the fact that it will take time for me to figure this all out. For my body to trust me, and for me to trust my body, and for my body to find its natural weight. I will figure out how to eat, and how to not always wonder about that diet, or that supplement, or how not to stand in front of the mirror and notice every flaw. My body is strong, my mind is strong. I can do this. One step at a time.

My New Start

For the last few months I've really been struggling, as is probably obvious from my previous posts, and from the lack of them. I was hating myself, hating that i'd let myself gain weight, hating that my fitness level has gone down and I wasn't enjoying the things I used to. My wonderful trainer and I talked a lot and tried some new things here and there, but mentally I was just really struggling. She told me once in a text conversation that I should think about talking to someone, a doctor or someone who could help me get to the bottom of my issues. I was taken aback at first, I wasn't sure what to think, I didn't think I was THAT bad. But the more time went on, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized she was right. Ryan has also been struggling and asked me to do some research into different Dietitians and the like that could maybe help us from the rut we were in. During that research process I found several Dietitians that focused on what they call "Intuitive Eating" and nutrition counseling. I spoke on the phone with one of them and she really seemed to understand and know how to deal with the issues that Ryan and I both deal with. We made an appointment and I sat in her office and bawled my eyes out while I talked about everything I've been dealing with. She gave me some pointers to get started and I read the book that her philosophy was based on. The book felt like it was written for me. A chronic dieter with body issues, food issues, no trust in myself. The process to learn Intuitive Eating, and learn to trust myself again is going to take time, probably a lot of time. I have to put weight loss on the back burner and work through the steps, and try to be kind to myself. Already though i've found the process to be very freeing. No food is forbidden. There is no room for guilt. I'm supposed to eat and pay attention to how I feel, pay attention to my levels of hunger and fullness, and move my body the way and when I want to. I'm supposed to let my body teach me what it needs, trust it again. I'm really looking forward to the process. It certainly won't always be easy though, I know that. We went on vacation last week and I let myself eat whatever, whenever, and it felt freeing, but I know I put on a few pounds, and it was hard to feel myself going up from where I was already unhappy, and I certainly had the thought to diet off the extra weight when we got home, but I pushed it aside and just went on with life. I've been exercising quite a bit, but only when I feel like it, and i've been eating what I want, just trying to pay more attention to when I'm full, and eat less distracted. I also stopped following quite a few accounts on Instagram and Facebook that always made me feel like I was failing at being strong and fit. Even after doing that though there are plenty of times that articles or comments pop up on my feed that trigger me, but I'm working through it. I called my new therapist as soon as we got home from vacation and we are having another session soon to work through what the next steps are for me to take, and how to deal with those trigger moments.

I decided to be open about these struggles and post this today:

Recently I've been going through a lot, emotionally. I was in a pretty lousy place, hating myself, hating my body, heading quickly to an eating disorder. The fitness industry is hard on us, they show you photoshopped ideal bodies and tell you to work harder, to want it more, to eat less, to eat perfectly. They put in front of you an ideal that can't be reached by most of us, and it can really get to a person! I got to my rock bottom and realized something had to change. I needed to cut off some of my triggers. I needed to learn to love my body for what it can do, not what it looks like. I needed to learn to trust myself with food, and learn to enjoy food and my life again. I found a therapist to talk to about my body and food issues, and I took all the pressure off of myself. I've learned a lot about myself through the process. I like junk food, but I also like healthy balanced food and sometimes I want it more than junk. I like exercise, even when I don't have a plan and a schedule and a specific fitness goal, I like how it feels to move my body, I like the time alone to work and sweat. I like long walks in the sunshine, and heavy lifting sweat sessions, and leisurely bike rides. I still want to do races and rides, but just for me, not to win or to make my body something it's not. And some days, I don't want to exercise, and that's ok. I have a long way to go still, but I'm happy with the direction this is taking me.

The comments I have gotten have been overwhelmingly positive and sweet. So many said that they have been inspired by me, and so many said that they have felt the same way as me and they are grateful to hear that there is hope and another way to deal with these issues. I'm glad I chose to be open. And I'm glad i've found a new start, a different start. So here is to new beginnings again...

Still Plugging Along

Last week went well, it wasn't as good as week 1, but I was pretty happy with how it went. Real life happens and I don't expect perfection, but its progress. This past weekend we went on a little family vacation. It was really fun! My eating was terrible, as it usually is on vacation, but I didn't worry about it a lot, I tried to just enjoy our time together as a family. We stayed super busy! Tubing, movies, Olympic museum, playing in the snow, bowling, ice castles...we did everything we could think of!

I didn't weigh-in when we got back. I didn't want to feel down on myself, I need time to just live life and learn how to bounce back from that. I went right back to being on track yesterday and I'll do my best this week and weigh-in on Friday and see whats happening. I pushed myself hard in my workout yesterday and it felt good to step it up.

Stacey and I talked and decided our main focus for this year will be body composition. I will still do some races, I will still do a ride for JDRF (registration starts today, yippee!!), but I don't want the focus of my year to be the races. I've always counted on those finish lines to keep me motivated and moving, and they work well for me, but I also want to learn how to motivate myself, and how to feel accomplished by better fitting clothes rather than a finish time. I really want to be comfortable in my skin and in my clothes again, its really important to me, so I need to focus on that as much as I can and trust Stacey to help me get there. I want to lean up, get strong, and find me again! My emotions are always all over the map about myself, but today, I'm ready to embrace where I am and look forward to where I can go.

Week 1- 2016

January 1- Tough, tough workout today! Stacey wrote me a plan for the end of December and then another plan for the beginning part of January, so I jumped onto the new plan today. Phew, I think she's trying to kill me! My diet today...i'd give it about a 5/10. I forgot to eat breakfast, I ate a good lunch, and ok snack, and a crappy dinner... not a good progression for the day. But oh well, tomorrow is a new day, and at least I kicked my own butt this morning. :) I've done lots water with my water intake today, so that's a good thing at least! Taking it a day at a time...

January 2-  Today was more about getting our house in order. I had a primary activity this morning with the kids, and then we came home and Ryan and I tackled the laundry, big time! We did ALL the kids laundry, all of our laundry, AND I cleaned out my closet, the dresser, and my exercise clothes! I still have some work to do to finish things up, but I'm pretty much done! Woohoo! But, that left no time for a workout so far. My diet...I'll give it a 7/10. Still not fantastic, but better than yesterday.

January 3- Sunday. Rest day. I love Sunday.

January 4- Leg Day. Ouchie. I hate leg day, but I know its good for me. :) And I did great on my eating today! yay! I'm sure it wouldn't be perfect in some peoples opinion, but for me it was a fantastic day and I'm very happy with it.

January 5- Easy swim day. 1/2 Mile completed at the LifeTime Pool. My stomach was pretty upset today, which made me feel lousy, but it also helped me keep my eating really good. Another great food day. yay!

January 6- Wednesdays are always cycle days, but Stacey and I decided that with my stomach issues, and dealing with some dehydration that I should probably take it a little easier. I finally got Santiago (my beloved bike) on my trainer and did a nice easy ride at home. I was having some issues with my bike trainer, so it wasn't the most effective workout, but it was something, I'm glad I got moving at least. Another great eating day, i'm on a roll!

January 7- Went to work early and swam laps again. Did 3/4 of a mile today. At least I went a little farther. :) Making progress! I ate really well today in prep for a dinner I knew would be off plan. Our friends brought over pizza and I enjoyed it but didn't go overboard. yay!

January 8- Weigh-in day. Drumroll please! Down 3.2 pounds! Woohoo! All the struggle was worth it. Phew! Let's hope I can keep the ball rolling.

Goals!

Here is my starting point:

Measurements:
Weight: 172.0
Abs: 34.5"
Waist (at belly button): 37.25"
Hips: 41"
R Thigh: 24"
R Bicep: 12.5"

Its hard to post all that! Its hard to be vulnerable. But, everyone starts somewhere. And this is my starting point for 2016. Its not square one, its just a few steps back from where I've been before. So I can do this!

Here are the fitness related goals I know I want to set for this year:

1) Another JDRF ride. I'm not sure where we are headed this year, and I'm not sure how many miles we will do, but Ryan and I will tackle it again together. This has become an important part of my life and I don't see that changing any time soon.

2) Stay active. Swimming, Biking, Running, Lifting. I want to do it all, but in a balanced way. I want it to include my family when possible and be something I love, not something I dread, and not something that takes over my entire life either. Its possible to do that and be very fit! I know it is! (I am shooting for another strong performance at the Larson Cup, so this will all help too!)

3) Conquer my running demons. I've come a long way with running. I've given up more times than I can count, but I always come back to it, because I don't want it to beat me! I have always said my goal is a half marathon, and I would love to tackle that some day, if its in the cards. But for now, I just want to slowly work on my strength and distance and get back to where I enjoy going to a run now and then. I've been running a little here and there and I'm not hating it! And my body is handling it ok, so I want to stay on that path and get more miles in this year. I may not get to the half this year, and that's ok, but I'd love to work towards it. My biggest running goal of the year for now is to be able to run stronger at the Larson Cup this year. I've been doing a lot of hip strengthening work to help my running form with the hopes that that will help me reach my goal injury free this time.

4) Get back to a healthy, maintainable weight for me. I long ago gave up on my "ideal" weight according to all the charts. I have never been able to get there, and I don't think I want to, because to get there would require too much sacrifice, and probably less muscle mass, and I'm not ok with that! Last year I got down to about 148/150 and I really liked my body and felt like I was strong and healthy. I would love to be 140-150 somewhere during 2016. I don't expect to hit a goal and stay there forever, I know there will be ups and downs, but that range is a good one for my body, so that's what I'm aiming for.

5) Learn to better love myself despite the ups and downs. I'm pretty darn good at beating myself up. I've always been my own worst critic, as most of us are. I set goals and then get so frustrated with myself when I'm not perfect at them. Well, guess what Diane? No one is perfect. I can do better, but I will fail sometimes, and that's ok! Whether i'm up 20 pounds or down to my goal, there will always be things to work on, and that's ok too. I need to work on loving the journey i've been given.